finding my stride

I’ve been trying to find my stride in my life and I’m not doing it so well.

I don’t like change. I am not a fan. I have a hard time riding the wave and seeing where it all goes.

Not a lot has changed. Which is the problem, not so much a problem as an issue.

My training for some serious distance running has been slack. It’s been hot, super rainy, or I’ve been too tired. I’m lucky if I get out for a couple of runs a week for some easy 4 mile runs. I will not be able to run any marathons at this rate.

It isn’t that I don’t like running. I do. But I’m really, really good at excuses. And so mornings and free nights are spent in bed or on the couch. Spending time snuggling with Cuddler or hiding under the covers sounds so much better than doing something requiring effort. So, what needs to happen? I need to stop making excuses and suck it up as I’ve espoused in the past.

Excuses and idiopathic hypersomnia. AKA I’m tired and there isn’t really a reason. My doctors believe it might be to do with my Behcets. Tired really doesn’t describe it accurately. Exhaustion. Falling asleep while typing away at work. Closing my eyes and waking up many many hours later. The doctors also believe running will help regulate my sleeping cycle.

Aerial yoga, hammock and lyra are my form of exercise for the time being. We have lots of fun in class. I’ve a core group that come and most new students are fun too. Working with kids helps my creativity. Low aerial allows us to let go of the week and any stress and anxiety we’ve gathered. Foundations is fun, watching the spark get lit in new students. And Saturdays are mornings with dear people. We explore and try new things. Sometimes we do well and sometimes new things don’t work out quite as well. Every week we push the boundaries and rejoice at new frontiers.

And Little Bear is doing well. She is still anxious but there is trust. She has stopped running from me. Sometimes I get kisses. I always get a happy dance performance when I return home. When the leash comes out, she tries so hard to sit down like a good girl but she is so excited her butt doesn’t stop wiggling. We work on being carried, sitting together, coming when called and more.

Cuddler has accepted the new dog pretty well. I was told that an older female collie would not do well with another female. We’ve had our moments but they are buds. She has a friend to keep her company during the day and she teaches Little Bear how to deal with new things like the mailwoman.

Physically, I don’t feel well but, less tangibly, I am content and winding up to change. Change now.

The past has taught me that I change when I feel so uncomfortable my skin feels the wrong size like Eustace in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader. The time will come when I will pull off the scales and be born anew. Maybe the new person is a marathon runner. Or maybe I’ll become an interior designer. Maybe I’ll finally figure out which masters program I want to apply to. Whoever that person is she will be wonderful.