finding my stride

I’ve been trying to find my stride in my life and I’m not doing it so well.

I don’t like change. I am not a fan. I have a hard time riding the wave and seeing where it all goes.

Not a lot has changed. Which is the problem, not so much a problem as an issue.

My training for some serious distance running has been slack. It’s been hot, super rainy, or I’ve been too tired. I’m lucky if I get out for a couple of runs a week for some easy 4 mile runs. I will not be able to run any marathons at this rate.

It isn’t that I don’t like running. I do. But I’m really, really good at excuses. And so mornings and free nights are spent in bed or on the couch. Spending time snuggling with Cuddler or hiding under the covers sounds so much better than doing something requiring effort. So, what needs to happen? I need to stop making excuses and suck it up as I’ve espoused in the past.

Excuses and idiopathic hypersomnia. AKA I’m tired and there isn’t really a reason. My doctors believe it might be to do with my Behcets. Tired really doesn’t describe it accurately. Exhaustion. Falling asleep while typing away at work. Closing my eyes and waking up many many hours later. The doctors also believe running will help regulate my sleeping cycle.

Aerial yoga, hammock and lyra are my form of exercise for the time being. We have lots of fun in class. I’ve a core group that come and most new students are fun too. Working with kids helps my creativity. Low aerial allows us to let go of the week and any stress and anxiety we’ve gathered. Foundations is fun, watching the spark get lit in new students. And Saturdays are mornings with dear people. We explore and try new things. Sometimes we do well and sometimes new things don’t work out quite as well. Every week we push the boundaries and rejoice at new frontiers.

And Little Bear is doing well. She is still anxious but there is trust. She has stopped running from me. Sometimes I get kisses. I always get a happy dance performance when I return home. When the leash comes out, she tries so hard to sit down like a good girl but she is so excited her butt doesn’t stop wiggling. We work on being carried, sitting together, coming when called and more.

Cuddler has accepted the new dog pretty well. I was told that an older female collie would not do well with another female. We’ve had our moments but they are buds. She has a friend to keep her company during the day and she teaches Little Bear how to deal with new things like the mailwoman.

Physically, I don’t feel well but, less tangibly, I am content and winding up to change. Change now.

The past has taught me that I change when I feel so uncomfortable my skin feels the wrong size like Eustace in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader. The time will come when I will pull off the scales and be born anew. Maybe the new person is a marathon runner. Or maybe I’ll become an interior designer. Maybe I’ll finally figure out which masters program I want to apply to. Whoever that person is she will be wonderful.

Just a quick post

The plan I chose for my marathon training is… ambitious. It wants me to run multiple 11 min miles. I can’t do that. Cuddler might. But Little Bear cannot. Our last run on Monday, Little Bear made a classic runner error. She is not for drinking from strange items so it’s hard to get her to drink water. So after pushing my pace by 30 seconds/mi for 4 miles, her tummy did not appreciate the water. It was a hard run for me to get into. I was going to the Bristol Renaissance Fair that day as well and running 4 miles seemed silly. Call me silly. I managed to get 30k steps in Monday and 43 “flights of stairs.” After I got going, though, my legs were moving even though my head was saying stop. The dogs were pulling and it is nice to have their added momentums. It did feel really good once I got out there.

Backing up a bit, I taught aerial yoga Saturday. I feel like I was a little mean, because I was awfully sore. The first class was about challenging ourselves. Challenge our brain that says nope, hanging upside down seems like a very bad idea. Everyone did really well. I appreciate how much effort they put into class. I don't care if you do it. I just want you to try. Lyra practice. Private with some fun giggly girls.

And then worked on my house. My house is nearly a 100 years old. And it's my first house so i have no idea where to start. That's why my family is awesome. They've been helping me with all the maintenance. We all like projects and this is definitely one. It makes me feel so loved to see something they worked on. I'm so fortunate to have them in my life.

 My plan to catch up to my marathon plan is to build my pace and base. This week my plan is to do 4 miles 3x. Comfy pace. Next week, 4 miles, 4x with one fartlek run. Week after, 2 fartlek, 1 4 mile, 1 5 mile. Then, I’ll try to start that plan. It will put off my schedule but that’s ok. I would rather take it slow for my body and my new dog.

 I’m a renfair goer. And our fair happens during the summer months. And I dress up. In many layers some of which are constricting. Bristol is the only renaissance fair I’ve been to but I’ve heard it’s one of the better ones. Why do I do it? Adventure, mystery, escape. After my husband died, I went to the fair. There I was anonymous and my difficulties didn’t follow me.

Sometimes, escape is necessary. It gives you distance to see what exactly is going on in your life that you cannot see when you’re in the midst of it all. I could talk to people and no one pitied me or coddled me or avoided me because what had happened. I was just me. Not a widow. And so I talked to people who needed directions, or had questions about the joust. I talked to my favorite knight and other photographers.

This year I had a season pass and took full advantage of it. I feel like I was crafting my accent and persona a bit. I’ve got some comfortable fair clothing. I’m scouting the places I like to shoot the joust. I need to find a good perch to people watch and shoot. Sometimes, I’ll bring my DSLR, sometimes I don’t. Pushing myself out of the comfort zone, I tried talking to people. This is not comfortable for me. But there is no better place. There is so little judgement and everyone just gets to be themselves or whoever they want to be. People started to recognize me which makes the experience easier.Bristol is my happy place.

Now I get to go in for a sleep study and narcolepsy test. I am not thrilled. I will miss my dogs while I sleeping in a strange place. Or try to sleep.

Sometimes Breaks are Necessary

I needed a break. Maybe not a yearlong break but definitely a break.

When I came home on Aug 26^th, I discovered my husband passed away. He had succumbed to his disease of addiction and overdosed. It looked like a very peaceful death and he was being snuggled by the dog when I came home.

How did I make it through? I haven’t. But I keep going one step at a time surrounded by friends and family. It’s not the path I expected but a different path. One that I’m growing to love. When I first started my own recovery, during my second meeting, we read this:

From Survival to Recovery (p269)

If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of The Twelve Steps and work the program, our lives will be transformed. Members work their program by being willing to attend meetings on a regular basis, reading Al-Anon/Alateen literature, getting a sponsor, working toward applying the 12 Steps of recovery to their lives and by becoming involved in Al-Anon Service work as they begin to recover.

We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are both, worthy of love and loving. We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new hidden talents. Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others. We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but will not be slaves to them. Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame.
8. As we gain the ability to forgive our families, the world, and ourselves our choices will expand. With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows. Serenity and peace will have meaning for us, as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with G-ds ease, balance, and grace. No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in lifes paradox, mystery, and awe. We will laugh more. Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. 

Can we really grow to such proportions? Only if we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness. Then we suddenly begin to notice these gifts appearing. We see them in those who walk beside us. Sometimes slowly or haltingly, occasionally in great bursts of brilliance, those who work The Steps change and grow toward light, toward health, and toward their Higher Power. Watching others, we realize this is also possible for us.

Will we ever arrive? Feel joyful all the time? Have no cruelty, tragedy, or injustice to face? Probably not, but we will acquire growing acceptance of our human fallibility, as well as greater love and tolerance for each other. Self-pity, resentment, martyrdom, rage, and depression will fade into memory. Community rather than loneliness will define our lives. We will know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute, and that is enough.

What has this past year held? I took time to myself. Jobs were changed. More time at the yoga studio and more time in the air. I’ve taken up lyra (aerial hoop). Running has taken a back seat to life. It’s hard to figure out what comes next. First things first, but what is first? In fall, I did a few runs. In May, I ran a half in Door County. I have already made bookings for next year and now wait for registration to open. For our one year wedding anniversary, I decided to get out of town. Way out of town. Port Angeles, WA out of town. We had taken our first big vacation on the Olympic Peninsula, so it felt fitting to run a half out there. I visited some places we had gone together and made some new discoveries. In the meantime, I was moving out of our old apartment and looking for a house. After a month with a friend, I finally closed on a wonderful house, centrally located between work and friends and family and fun. With a huge yard. Fenced in. Cuddler had been a little lonely after my husband’s death, so I had begun the hunt for another dog.

last video. Working on #airpow #aerialfitness #aerialnation #aerialhammock #aerialsling #archer #aerialyoga hi @jainaquick

A post shared by Mary Baker (@faithenfire) on Aug 12, 2017 at 1:46pm PDT

Little Bear is a recovering feral. She is 2.5 years old lab mix. She made great strides in the first few weeks. I don’t need a drag leash for her but we are working on her not dodging me. She alternates between a scared dog and wiggly lab. Noodles, and chicken hold great interest for her.

We all went camping with a bunch of friends. Everyone did fantastic. Cuddler reverted to her country upbringing and embraced the dirt. Little Bear accepted the situation. We hiked, we ran, we slept in a tent. Little Bear got a night light. She is afraid of the dark and felt very comforted that her LED light lit up the whole tent.

On the anniversary of my husband’s death, I ran a 5k. It was hosted by a family supporting their loved one’s recovery. It was a great example of how addiction is a family disease and how we all need help. It felt great to run with a purpose. Props to the cop who ran with 26lbs of chains to symbolize addiction.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about what my new life should look like. So I plan on going back to school online in fall to get my masters. Also, I’ve had little motivation for my running. It felt purposeless. New goal was needed. I’m not a fast runner. I am a stubborn runner. This past Monday I started running for a marathon.

That’s what I’ve been up to. It’s amazing how in a moment your whole life can change. Change facilitates growth.