Sometimes Breaks are Necessary

I needed a break. Maybe not a yearlong break but definitely a break.

When I came home on Aug 26^th, I discovered my husband passed away. He had succumbed to his disease of addiction and overdosed. It looked like a very peaceful death and he was being snuggled by the dog when I came home.

How did I make it through? I haven’t. But I keep going one step at a time surrounded by friends and family. It’s not the path I expected but a different path. One that I’m growing to love. When I first started my own recovery, during my second meeting, we read this:

From Survival to Recovery (p269)

If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of The Twelve Steps and work the program, our lives will be transformed. Members work their program by being willing to attend meetings on a regular basis, reading Al-Anon/Alateen literature, getting a sponsor, working toward applying the 12 Steps of recovery to their lives and by becoming involved in Al-Anon Service work as they begin to recover.

We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are both, worthy of love and loving. We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new hidden talents. Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others. We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but will not be slaves to them. Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame.
8. As we gain the ability to forgive our families, the world, and ourselves our choices will expand. With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows. Serenity and peace will have meaning for us, as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with G-ds ease, balance, and grace. No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in lifes paradox, mystery, and awe. We will laugh more. Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. 

Can we really grow to such proportions? Only if we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness. Then we suddenly begin to notice these gifts appearing. We see them in those who walk beside us. Sometimes slowly or haltingly, occasionally in great bursts of brilliance, those who work The Steps change and grow toward light, toward health, and toward their Higher Power. Watching others, we realize this is also possible for us.

Will we ever arrive? Feel joyful all the time? Have no cruelty, tragedy, or injustice to face? Probably not, but we will acquire growing acceptance of our human fallibility, as well as greater love and tolerance for each other. Self-pity, resentment, martyrdom, rage, and depression will fade into memory. Community rather than loneliness will define our lives. We will know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute, and that is enough.

What has this past year held? I took time to myself. Jobs were changed. More time at the yoga studio and more time in the air. I’ve taken up lyra (aerial hoop). Running has taken a back seat to life. It’s hard to figure out what comes next. First things first, but what is first? In fall, I did a few runs. In May, I ran a half in Door County. I have already made bookings for next year and now wait for registration to open. For our one year wedding anniversary, I decided to get out of town. Way out of town. Port Angeles, WA out of town. We had taken our first big vacation on the Olympic Peninsula, so it felt fitting to run a half out there. I visited some places we had gone together and made some new discoveries. In the meantime, I was moving out of our old apartment and looking for a house. After a month with a friend, I finally closed on a wonderful house, centrally located between work and friends and family and fun. With a huge yard. Fenced in. Cuddler had been a little lonely after my husband’s death, so I had begun the hunt for another dog.

last video. Working on #airpow #aerialfitness #aerialnation #aerialhammock #aerialsling #archer #aerialyoga hi @jainaquick

A post shared by Mary Baker (@faithenfire) on Aug 12, 2017 at 1:46pm PDT

Little Bear is a recovering feral. She is 2.5 years old lab mix. She made great strides in the first few weeks. I don’t need a drag leash for her but we are working on her not dodging me. She alternates between a scared dog and wiggly lab. Noodles, and chicken hold great interest for her.

We all went camping with a bunch of friends. Everyone did fantastic. Cuddler reverted to her country upbringing and embraced the dirt. Little Bear accepted the situation. We hiked, we ran, we slept in a tent. Little Bear got a night light. She is afraid of the dark and felt very comforted that her LED light lit up the whole tent.

On the anniversary of my husband’s death, I ran a 5k. It was hosted by a family supporting their loved one’s recovery. It was a great example of how addiction is a family disease and how we all need help. It felt great to run with a purpose. Props to the cop who ran with 26lbs of chains to symbolize addiction.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about what my new life should look like. So I plan on going back to school online in fall to get my masters. Also, I’ve had little motivation for my running. It felt purposeless. New goal was needed. I’m not a fast runner. I am a stubborn runner. This past Monday I started running for a marathon.

That’s what I’ve been up to. It’s amazing how in a moment your whole life can change. Change facilitates growth.