finding my stride

I’ve been trying to find my stride in my life and I’m not doing it so well.

I don’t like change. I am not a fan. I have a hard time riding the wave and seeing where it all goes.

Not a lot has changed. Which is the problem, not so much a problem as an issue.

My training for some serious distance running has been slack. It’s been hot, super rainy, or I’ve been too tired. I’m lucky if I get out for a couple of runs a week for some easy 4 mile runs. I will not be able to run any marathons at this rate.

It isn’t that I don’t like running. I do. But I’m really, really good at excuses. And so mornings and free nights are spent in bed or on the couch. Spending time snuggling with Cuddler or hiding under the covers sounds so much better than doing something requiring effort. So, what needs to happen? I need to stop making excuses and suck it up as I’ve espoused in the past.

Excuses and idiopathic hypersomnia. AKA I’m tired and there isn’t really a reason. My doctors believe it might be to do with my Behcets. Tired really doesn’t describe it accurately. Exhaustion. Falling asleep while typing away at work. Closing my eyes and waking up many many hours later. The doctors also believe running will help regulate my sleeping cycle.

Aerial yoga, hammock and lyra are my form of exercise for the time being. We have lots of fun in class. I’ve a core group that come and most new students are fun too. Working with kids helps my creativity. Low aerial allows us to let go of the week and any stress and anxiety we’ve gathered. Foundations is fun, watching the spark get lit in new students. And Saturdays are mornings with dear people. We explore and try new things. Sometimes we do well and sometimes new things don’t work out quite as well. Every week we push the boundaries and rejoice at new frontiers.

And Little Bear is doing well. She is still anxious but there is trust. She has stopped running from me. Sometimes I get kisses. I always get a happy dance performance when I return home. When the leash comes out, she tries so hard to sit down like a good girl but she is so excited her butt doesn’t stop wiggling. We work on being carried, sitting together, coming when called and more.

Cuddler has accepted the new dog pretty well. I was told that an older female collie would not do well with another female. We’ve had our moments but they are buds. She has a friend to keep her company during the day and she teaches Little Bear how to deal with new things like the mailwoman.

Physically, I don’t feel well but, less tangibly, I am content and winding up to change. Change now.

The past has taught me that I change when I feel so uncomfortable my skin feels the wrong size like Eustace in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader. The time will come when I will pull off the scales and be born anew. Maybe the new person is a marathon runner. Or maybe I’ll become an interior designer. Maybe I’ll finally figure out which masters program I want to apply to. Whoever that person is she will be wonderful.

Surrender

Life has been quite busy and my time to type has been limited. Hope all is well in your world.

So Tuesday, I tried going to the gym. I was running a little behind but nothing major, I would still have an hour to run. But then there was a detour, a left hand turn, bad driving conditions, a patch of ice hidden under unplowed streets, and an inconveniently placed Jeep. New used car is now getting babied at the mechanics. So no run Tuesday.

Wednesday, we focused on surrender in yoga. Surrendering to the pose. Surrendering to the discomfort of some of the stretches or tightness of fabric. Sinking into the fabric and accepting the effects of gravity in each pose. In a way, it was surrendering to life and all it entails. Some parts of life are not particularly wonderful and some are unbelievably wonderful. Accepting it all as molding who we are now and our futures. In yoga, I like exploring the mind and body connection. I think, aerial yoga emphasizes that even more because of we see the action and reaction of our poses, like when we push off the ground and “fly.” We see it in when we don’t quite get a pose but something wonderful comes out of our mistakes. And then there are the days that the fabric is just uncooperative for whatever reason. And you can fight it but you really just need to slow down and move with intention. I have to say after class I felt a bit more at peace in my mind. I hope my students felt the same way.

Thursday and Friday, I essentially slept. I slept in, went to work, ate dinner, and then fell asleep. I still feel tired but not nearly as bad as those days.

Then, it was Saturday. Race day. Another 8k, this time to support research to cure heart disease. I argued with myself about even showing up. There is this heavy blanket of exhaustion that is laying over me. It was 1F with a bit of a wind. It seemed like a super crazy thing to do. Yet, I still put on layers of leggings. The top half is always more problematic for me. I don’t mind warm or cold legs, but I don’t like being hot on top. I decided to go with the race tech shirt and jacket. I thought about the shoes too. I could use my trail shoes or my Brooks. Since the run was on the road, I went with the Brooks. Wool socks, buffs, headbands, gloves, and Spibelt came along as well.

The race was close to my house and had ample parking at a nearby college with a shuttle for the runners. There was coffee waiting for the runners, a silent auction and other items for sale to raise money for the cause. I didn’t see anyone I knew. There were lots of groups of people and not very many of us singletons. While I was waiting, my jacket drew people to me. It was the sponsoring running clubs anniversary jacket. It was warm and breathable with great pocket and zipper designs. This gave me a chance to talk to people and compare race plans and goals. I got a lot of congratulations for this being my third race and choosing this particular race.

The start was late and it was very cold. I hung near the back between the 8k runners and the 2 mile walkers determined the change from running tights to denim. About the time we started moving, I realized I forgot my phone back in the car. No splits for me. I did start my vivosmart. The people I had been talking to started at a faster pace than I. It took a while to get warm and start sweating. I used the buff over my face for about a mile and half. My hands grew warm and my gloves got tucked away around mile three. About mile 4, I truly considered taking off my jacket, I was so warm.

My brain was whiny. I was not floating with things. The out and backs down the same roads sorta made me feel like I was getting nowhere and that the turnabout cones were placed generously too far apart. I was hearing in my head to stop and walk, or go back to the start and wait for the shuttle. Each step was heavy but I am a stubborn person and willed my feet to keep moving forward. Those first three miles were rough. There was some chatting with others while paces matched. I had been passing people. I knew I was still on the back end of the racing group but I was improving my standing. And around mile four, I found some peace with the race and course. It was rolling and passed thru some very nice scenery. I was still willing myself forward. My stomach started to revolt a bit as turned in for the last half mile. But I kept telling myself that I just needed to put one foot in front of the other and breathe in and breathe out. It wasn’t really complicated. It was natural and I was capable.

Turning in to the last half mile with cheers from well bundled volunteers, I saw the hill. The race route was a big loop. It started downhill. I took a deep breath and dug deep. My legs moved on their own, sure and strong on the incline as others fell back into a walk. I passed people I had been chasing for most of the race. My final sprint wasn’t that much faster than the pace I had already been going. I was running on fumes. Volunteers cheered us up the hill. Focusing on the Finish sign, I surrendered to the discomfort and came in with a 53:37 time. A personal best (PB).

I paced around near the finish line, waiting for my gut to settle down. Bananas and chili and more coffee waiting for us back at the building but food was the last thing on my mind. Not barfing was key. Eventually, the nausea passed and I climbed back onto the shuttle knowing I ran a great race. My race selfie is me in the car. It would have been nice to get pictures of the race. Despite the late start, it was a well organized race. 

Again yoga and running ran parallel. I had to surrender to the asanas and to the course. Discomfort happens with both and it is temporary. Accepting it and continuing to move forward can lead to some pretty rewarding experiences.

Here is a video of a guy who ran the race. You can catch a glimpse of me on the bus.

I got my shirt from our running group on My Fitness Pal (MFP). So excited. It fits great and looks good, at least I think so.

And here are some pictures of the reptiles in my life because why not?