finding my stride

I’ve been trying to find my stride in my life and I’m not doing it so well.

I don’t like change. I am not a fan. I have a hard time riding the wave and seeing where it all goes.

Not a lot has changed. Which is the problem, not so much a problem as an issue.

My training for some serious distance running has been slack. It’s been hot, super rainy, or I’ve been too tired. I’m lucky if I get out for a couple of runs a week for some easy 4 mile runs. I will not be able to run any marathons at this rate.

It isn’t that I don’t like running. I do. But I’m really, really good at excuses. And so mornings and free nights are spent in bed or on the couch. Spending time snuggling with Cuddler or hiding under the covers sounds so much better than doing something requiring effort. So, what needs to happen? I need to stop making excuses and suck it up as I’ve espoused in the past.

Excuses and idiopathic hypersomnia. AKA I’m tired and there isn’t really a reason. My doctors believe it might be to do with my Behcets. Tired really doesn’t describe it accurately. Exhaustion. Falling asleep while typing away at work. Closing my eyes and waking up many many hours later. The doctors also believe running will help regulate my sleeping cycle.

Aerial yoga, hammock and lyra are my form of exercise for the time being. We have lots of fun in class. I’ve a core group that come and most new students are fun too. Working with kids helps my creativity. Low aerial allows us to let go of the week and any stress and anxiety we’ve gathered. Foundations is fun, watching the spark get lit in new students. And Saturdays are mornings with dear people. We explore and try new things. Sometimes we do well and sometimes new things don’t work out quite as well. Every week we push the boundaries and rejoice at new frontiers.

And Little Bear is doing well. She is still anxious but there is trust. She has stopped running from me. Sometimes I get kisses. I always get a happy dance performance when I return home. When the leash comes out, she tries so hard to sit down like a good girl but she is so excited her butt doesn’t stop wiggling. We work on being carried, sitting together, coming when called and more.

Cuddler has accepted the new dog pretty well. I was told that an older female collie would not do well with another female. We’ve had our moments but they are buds. She has a friend to keep her company during the day and she teaches Little Bear how to deal with new things like the mailwoman.

Physically, I don’t feel well but, less tangibly, I am content and winding up to change. Change now.

The past has taught me that I change when I feel so uncomfortable my skin feels the wrong size like Eustace in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader. The time will come when I will pull off the scales and be born anew. Maybe the new person is a marathon runner. Or maybe I’ll become an interior designer. Maybe I’ll finally figure out which masters program I want to apply to. Whoever that person is she will be wonderful.

Just a quick post

The plan I chose for my marathon training is… ambitious. It wants me to run multiple 11 min miles. I can’t do that. Cuddler might. But Little Bear cannot. Our last run on Monday, Little Bear made a classic runner error. She is not for drinking from strange items so it’s hard to get her to drink water. So after pushing my pace by 30 seconds/mi for 4 miles, her tummy did not appreciate the water. It was a hard run for me to get into. I was going to the Bristol Renaissance Fair that day as well and running 4 miles seemed silly. Call me silly. I managed to get 30k steps in Monday and 43 “flights of stairs.” After I got going, though, my legs were moving even though my head was saying stop. The dogs were pulling and it is nice to have their added momentums. It did feel really good once I got out there.

Backing up a bit, I taught aerial yoga Saturday. I feel like I was a little mean, because I was awfully sore. The first class was about challenging ourselves. Challenge our brain that says nope, hanging upside down seems like a very bad idea. Everyone did really well. I appreciate how much effort they put into class. I don't care if you do it. I just want you to try. Lyra practice. Private with some fun giggly girls.

And then worked on my house. My house is nearly a 100 years old. And it's my first house so i have no idea where to start. That's why my family is awesome. They've been helping me with all the maintenance. We all like projects and this is definitely one. It makes me feel so loved to see something they worked on. I'm so fortunate to have them in my life.

 My plan to catch up to my marathon plan is to build my pace and base. This week my plan is to do 4 miles 3x. Comfy pace. Next week, 4 miles, 4x with one fartlek run. Week after, 2 fartlek, 1 4 mile, 1 5 mile. Then, I’ll try to start that plan. It will put off my schedule but that’s ok. I would rather take it slow for my body and my new dog.

 I’m a renfair goer. And our fair happens during the summer months. And I dress up. In many layers some of which are constricting. Bristol is the only renaissance fair I’ve been to but I’ve heard it’s one of the better ones. Why do I do it? Adventure, mystery, escape. After my husband died, I went to the fair. There I was anonymous and my difficulties didn’t follow me.

Sometimes, escape is necessary. It gives you distance to see what exactly is going on in your life that you cannot see when you’re in the midst of it all. I could talk to people and no one pitied me or coddled me or avoided me because what had happened. I was just me. Not a widow. And so I talked to people who needed directions, or had questions about the joust. I talked to my favorite knight and other photographers.

This year I had a season pass and took full advantage of it. I feel like I was crafting my accent and persona a bit. I’ve got some comfortable fair clothing. I’m scouting the places I like to shoot the joust. I need to find a good perch to people watch and shoot. Sometimes, I’ll bring my DSLR, sometimes I don’t. Pushing myself out of the comfort zone, I tried talking to people. This is not comfortable for me. But there is no better place. There is so little judgement and everyone just gets to be themselves or whoever they want to be. People started to recognize me which makes the experience easier.Bristol is my happy place.

Now I get to go in for a sleep study and narcolepsy test. I am not thrilled. I will miss my dogs while I sleeping in a strange place. Or try to sleep.

Sometimes Breaks are Necessary

I needed a break. Maybe not a yearlong break but definitely a break.

When I came home on Aug 26^th, I discovered my husband passed away. He had succumbed to his disease of addiction and overdosed. It looked like a very peaceful death and he was being snuggled by the dog when I came home.

How did I make it through? I haven’t. But I keep going one step at a time surrounded by friends and family. It’s not the path I expected but a different path. One that I’m growing to love. When I first started my own recovery, during my second meeting, we read this:

From Survival to Recovery (p269)

If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of The Twelve Steps and work the program, our lives will be transformed. Members work their program by being willing to attend meetings on a regular basis, reading Al-Anon/Alateen literature, getting a sponsor, working toward applying the 12 Steps of recovery to their lives and by becoming involved in Al-Anon Service work as they begin to recover.

We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are both, worthy of love and loving. We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new hidden talents. Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others. We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but will not be slaves to them. Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame.
8. As we gain the ability to forgive our families, the world, and ourselves our choices will expand. With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows. Serenity and peace will have meaning for us, as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with G-ds ease, balance, and grace. No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in lifes paradox, mystery, and awe. We will laugh more. Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. 

Can we really grow to such proportions? Only if we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness. Then we suddenly begin to notice these gifts appearing. We see them in those who walk beside us. Sometimes slowly or haltingly, occasionally in great bursts of brilliance, those who work The Steps change and grow toward light, toward health, and toward their Higher Power. Watching others, we realize this is also possible for us.

Will we ever arrive? Feel joyful all the time? Have no cruelty, tragedy, or injustice to face? Probably not, but we will acquire growing acceptance of our human fallibility, as well as greater love and tolerance for each other. Self-pity, resentment, martyrdom, rage, and depression will fade into memory. Community rather than loneliness will define our lives. We will know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute, and that is enough.

What has this past year held? I took time to myself. Jobs were changed. More time at the yoga studio and more time in the air. I’ve taken up lyra (aerial hoop). Running has taken a back seat to life. It’s hard to figure out what comes next. First things first, but what is first? In fall, I did a few runs. In May, I ran a half in Door County. I have already made bookings for next year and now wait for registration to open. For our one year wedding anniversary, I decided to get out of town. Way out of town. Port Angeles, WA out of town. We had taken our first big vacation on the Olympic Peninsula, so it felt fitting to run a half out there. I visited some places we had gone together and made some new discoveries. In the meantime, I was moving out of our old apartment and looking for a house. After a month with a friend, I finally closed on a wonderful house, centrally located between work and friends and family and fun. With a huge yard. Fenced in. Cuddler had been a little lonely after my husband’s death, so I had begun the hunt for another dog.

last video. Working on #airpow #aerialfitness #aerialnation #aerialhammock #aerialsling #archer #aerialyoga hi @jainaquick

A post shared by Mary Baker (@faithenfire) on Aug 12, 2017 at 1:46pm PDT

Little Bear is a recovering feral. She is 2.5 years old lab mix. She made great strides in the first few weeks. I don’t need a drag leash for her but we are working on her not dodging me. She alternates between a scared dog and wiggly lab. Noodles, and chicken hold great interest for her.

We all went camping with a bunch of friends. Everyone did fantastic. Cuddler reverted to her country upbringing and embraced the dirt. Little Bear accepted the situation. We hiked, we ran, we slept in a tent. Little Bear got a night light. She is afraid of the dark and felt very comforted that her LED light lit up the whole tent.

On the anniversary of my husband’s death, I ran a 5k. It was hosted by a family supporting their loved one’s recovery. It was a great example of how addiction is a family disease and how we all need help. It felt great to run with a purpose. Props to the cop who ran with 26lbs of chains to symbolize addiction.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about what my new life should look like. So I plan on going back to school online in fall to get my masters. Also, I’ve had little motivation for my running. It felt purposeless. New goal was needed. I’m not a fast runner. I am a stubborn runner. This past Monday I started running for a marathon.

That’s what I’ve been up to. It’s amazing how in a moment your whole life can change. Change facilitates growth.

Never say never

Oh, I could never…

I hear that a lot. I hear it about running and I hear it about aerial yoga. And it makes me sad. I say it about a few things like bungee jumping and sky diving but otherwise, why not give it a go?

I started aerial yoga because someone at my old work thought it would be a good fit for me. I’m not sure why she thought that but she did and she encouraged me to try it. Part of me wanted to say no. No because it seemed like an absurd idea. Because I’m a couch potato at heart. Because I have no upper body strength. But at the same time I was working on being more open. I didn’t really have a reason to say no, just some excuses. And I’m thrilled that I did it. I was hooked from the first class. Yes, there were bruises and aches. I’m not the best at it but I do love it.

What does aerial yoga do? In my opinion only, and I don’t have a medical background, it helps me be me. It helps me stretch out my joints in a way that even regular, ground yoga cannot. The fabric supports me and gravity helps me. Ground yoga hurts and takes days to recover due to my autoimmune disorder. Mostly, I’m fine the next day after an aerial yoga class. In fact, there have been days that I walked into class sore and in pain and walked out feeling like a new woman. It strengthens my muscles and joints helping me with my overall achiness. It also takes any mental stress away. I leave it on the silks as one teacher told me. Frustration, anxiety or anger can all be worked through and left behind. Being a klutz, aerial yoga increases my balance. I don’t know if I’m graceful yet but I have a tendency not to fall or trip as much. I am also much more aware of my body. It lets me be creative in expressing myself.

And low aerial yoga is even less intimidating. You are just a few inches off the ground. Most of the time you have at least one body part on the ground. Often, low aerial yoga is restorative where you hold poses a little bit longer and focus even more on breath and body awareness. Nearly anyone can do it. It’s still not easy and your body will still get a full workout but at the same time you get to stretch out. I love having my class on Wednesday because it’s conveniently placed midweek. We work out all the stress from the week so far and anxiety for the week or weekend ahead. Generally, we also share both good and bad feelings. Just to get it out. Sometimes, that’s all you need to feel better. I like to play modern folk music. Yoga music often made me unsettled as it was so unfamiliar. Meditation is also important. We do one at the beginning and one at the end of class. Sometimes, it will be a body sweep or a mind sweep where we become aware of what we are feeling physically or emotionally.

See, aerial yoga doesn’t seem so scary now does it? You should come try it.

Running is like meditation to me. It connects me to my mind and body. My body might be crying out to stop but my mind says “nope.” I was not a runner. If I was running something big was coming that I couldn’t beat up. Then, one day I was logging my walk with the dog and I looked at someone else’s log of their run for the same time and the difference in the calorie burn. I wanted that calorie burn. I like to eat and to have that many extra calories per day sounded good to me.

What I found was that I enjoy it. While I do it, because convincing myself to do it can be hard. It’s hot and sweaty and I’m slow and will probably never win a race. And I love it. I never thought I would, but there is something powerful about pushing your body to its limits. Limits that are further away than I thought they were. When I started a 5k seemed out of reach and in May I ran a half marathon. That seemed impossible two years ago.

So don’t sell yourself short. You never know what you might like doing. You might like running, hiking, knitting, crafts or hot air ballooning. But if you say, “I could never…” you won’t discover a possible joy in your life. Say yes, take a chance. Make a change. You will never know what you are capable of unless you try.

That’s your pep talk. Go forth and be joyful!

Wohoo

I promise I've been active. There haven't been a whole lot of pictures

I've had two interval runs. and I always walk away from the run saying I'll be at the gym more. But I've only made it twice in the past two weeks. I've done some walking with pokemon on my lunch. However, it's getting super hot. And I don't do heat well. I hate heat. And humidity. I also turn into a whiney little thing. 

New news is I've begun foam rolling. Once a week after my low aerial yoga class, I now get to teach a foam rolling class. It's a lot of fun. It hurts but it's fun and is good for me. You wouldn't think that something that looks like an oversized pool noodle could hurt so dang much but you would certainly be wrong. Being a new class and practice, I've been doing a lot of research both with websites and talking to other yoga teachers. Don't spend too long in an area. Avoid rolling the lower back but you can use the foam roller as a tool for bridge. Ditto for the neck. Using it 2-5xs a week is best and I'm not great at that. My roller sits in my trunk waiting for Wednesdays. It is sort of a full body workout too. There are body contortions you have to do, and planks. So far I've had class each week with a few students. I hope that it continues to be successful and maybe we can get a few people into low aerial after watching it while waiting for class. Peek some interest. 

The lyra is still a painful partner. Instagram is helping me find new interest in aerial yoga and aerial hammock (not the same). We do Friday Night Live as a studio during the summer. It's a street festival every Friday. I've run into old classmates and coworkers. It's so much fun and opens conversations. It helps I think that we are also all different body types. We aren't all the lithe yoga woman everyone conjures up when they think yogi. We are short, tall, skinny, curvy, young, not so young. I think, we embodied that yoga is for every body. There are as many types of classes and teachers as there are students who want to learn. 

Circus/Lyra hurts

There are a few things that I still need to get done. One is to run more. I feel better overall. Another is to get that legal name change then so I can officially take my hubbies name. I could also use to figure out how to avoid bees. Two bees found it necessary to sting me, once on Friday-so no FNL for me-and one on Sunday and my knee is still not happy. It's not an allergy necessarily but a small reaction combined with my overreactive immune system. When I woke up this morning, it still hurt. One more day of rest. 

And I've started selling some of my photography on Etsy. Printing is done by a local store. The audience is slowly building and then I can figure out what people are most interested in. I had my first sale. I even got a picture of where it was going to hang and the background as to why the buyer wanted that specific picture. This sort of connection makes the sale rather special. I hope other interactions are just as rewarding. So far people are looking at this one the most....

As for now, it's just photos, but maybe in the future I'll learn how to do scented Epson salts or resin jewelry and paperweights with the photos or dried flowers. I'm feeling crafty. Part of me wants to make clothing too. Women's clothing with real pockets that actually hold things. However, the intial investment and the slow return....It's a little prohibitive.

 Life is moving forward. I'm trying to work on the flow. And going with it. Finding the love of life and inhaling it with deep, nourishing breaths. 

And We Are Back

Oh, wow. I’ve been MIA for a while haven’t I?

I’ve only run twice. No reason other than lazy and it’s hot and I’ve not been sleeping well so getting up is very hard to do.

But the running has been feeling great. When I’ve been doing it. It feels good to express myself thru it. How? Because I’m pushing myself and I’m expressing my determination. I’m expressing my willingness to put myself thru great discomfort. Running isn’t really easy. When you start, your brain says nope. But you have to keep going through that. It is literally mind over matter. I could use the shirt that says that.

Then, there is the wall you hit when you’ve run for a while and your body goes “nope.” And it’s easy to just give in but that’s why you train. If you train, your brain just goes in to auto-drive and the legs keep moving. I hit it when I did my half marathon. It was hard. I wanted to quit so bad. My body was cramping and crying for a chair or a tree stump. But no, my brain overrode my body, overrode it’s safety protocols.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m slow. Very slow. Turtles have nothing on me. But I can keep going. My mother always said I was stubborn. And here is where it comes in handy.

Part of the reason I’ve been taking it easy is I’m in the middle of a little flare. It’s not full blown but it’s hard to do things. My skin hurts, I’m tired all the time, and my joints are aching. When this happens, I have a choice to make. Run or not. I have to ask myself if it’s beneficial in the future. Will it do more harm than good. Last night, I had every intention of going to bed early and running this morning. I even slept in running clothes. But my discomfort kept me awake. To get up and run would leave me with a 2 hour sleep deficit. When I’m going through things like this, it’s important to get rest. It helps with the healing and recovery.

I have been using my fabric at home for basic aerial yoga and doing restorative aerial in class. Less power and more deep stretches. I think it’s been going well. It’s hard to tell in a flare. But I do have a new class on the schedule. Foam Rolling. It’s always a love hate relationship. My first class was this past Wednesday. I had three very different people join me in the class. It hurt. I have no metaphor or simile to describe how bad it hurt. When you leave class, you feel completely beat up. It takes a day or two to feel the improvement in your body.

While I skipped the last Friday night live, I’ve been doing research on how to improve my lyra and aerial hammock. I’ve put them aside to run and now I need to find greater balance but I need to keep challenging myself like I do with running. There is the flow in the hammock that I need to improve. I need to find grace. With lyra, I just need to learn it. It’s a new apparatus for me and it’s painful.

So what’s the take away? Balance. I need to find balance in my life. Good food, healthy food, snack food. Emotionally, it’s good to feel the full range of feelings. Running and aerial stuff helps me find a safe place to express my emotions and sort thru them. Autoimmune flares makes me think about does this serve me or hurt me. Exercise should be balanced too. Cardio and strength training lead to a well balanced person.

Two more things.

I play Pokemongo. It’s fun and it lets me get some walking miles in. I found a wild Pikachu. I’m hunting Evies so I can have all three.

I also opened an Etsy Store. It has some of my photography. I already had an old cafepress store but it seems like an Etsy Store is where things are at. It might also have some other things as I get crafty. Maybe Epson salts or resin jewelry. I still have to figure out what I want to do.

The Natural Heart

EnfireDesigns-CafePress

So that’s it. I will see you sooner than later.

Catching up

I’m married. I’ve honeymooned on the west coast. It’s time to get back to training if I can stay awake.

The honeymoon was great. There was a lot of walking so I did not run that much. However, I could not avoid a quick run in the Arcata Community Forest. It’s a beautiful redwood forest with some significant elevation changes.

Truth be told, it was all beautiful. We spent time along the coast and driving thru the redwoods.

Getting back to the run in the forest. I woke up a little earlier than my husband. I quick google search showed me two different options for a run. One was the marsh and one was the Arcata Community Forest. I could hardly pass it up. The trails didn’t look that bad in the pictures. And the pictures lied.

Just driving up to the trail, I knew that there was going to be some significant effort needed. The pictures did not do the steep path justice. I quickly decided to turn it more into a quick hike. I tried to stay on the trail as much as possible but I still got lost. All together I managed to go 3.5 miles. I did run some, and a lot of it downhill. It was hard because I kept stopping to look around. The trees were rather massive. The air was fresh and a little thin. I finally got on a trail and asked someone how to get back to the parking lot.

The trail was hard. I was drenched. And I enjoyed it. I’m not sure where I was getting lost but I kept losing the trail at some point. While I do use technology to help me with training, I was very grateful to have it help me to get back to the trail. Here in our area our trails are very well marked. ACF trails really did not have anything. Some of the regular trails looked more like animal trails. But the run was still totally worth it. Or hike. Whatever. It was half hike and half run.

Otherwise, there was a ton of walking. We walked on beaches and boardwalks. We wandered thru animal parks and aquariums.

I loved the trip. We explored Portland down to LA.

We got back last week and I’m still tired. I did run last week. It was a good run. It was hard but I added some elevation and speed here and there. I decided that I will be catching up on Person of Interest. I felt like it was a hard run and there was sweat everywhere but I need to be more comfortable being uncomfortable. I can’t go faster if I don’t train for it.

Yoga was fun. We had low aerial on Wednesday with some regulars. Class just flowed and it we worked on stretching and not bugging someone’s sprained ankle. Single point kept us a little off balanced even in the common poses. It added something a little different to class.

Feels good to be back in the silks

Friday, I went to Friday Night Live in Waukesha. The yoga studio I work at has an outdoor rig and the city closes the streets. There is live music and food and us demonstrating some of the skills we’ve learned and teach in class. There was some talk of lyra but I didn’t want it and my vote was listened to. Perhaps next week.

So that’s my story. I’m not sure that it makes a whole lot of sense because I think my head is still spinning from the honeymoon. It’s good to be home and good to get back into the swing of things with a head full of good memories. 

More photos can be found and will be posted on my flickr

Oh and I recently joined Instagram 

Karn and Dumpy are glad to be home. I can't get a picture of the dog because she's been stuck like glue to me.