finding my stride

I’ve been trying to find my stride in my life and I’m not doing it so well.

I don’t like change. I am not a fan. I have a hard time riding the wave and seeing where it all goes.

Not a lot has changed. Which is the problem, not so much a problem as an issue.

My training for some serious distance running has been slack. It’s been hot, super rainy, or I’ve been too tired. I’m lucky if I get out for a couple of runs a week for some easy 4 mile runs. I will not be able to run any marathons at this rate.

It isn’t that I don’t like running. I do. But I’m really, really good at excuses. And so mornings and free nights are spent in bed or on the couch. Spending time snuggling with Cuddler or hiding under the covers sounds so much better than doing something requiring effort. So, what needs to happen? I need to stop making excuses and suck it up as I’ve espoused in the past.

Excuses and idiopathic hypersomnia. AKA I’m tired and there isn’t really a reason. My doctors believe it might be to do with my Behcets. Tired really doesn’t describe it accurately. Exhaustion. Falling asleep while typing away at work. Closing my eyes and waking up many many hours later. The doctors also believe running will help regulate my sleeping cycle.

Aerial yoga, hammock and lyra are my form of exercise for the time being. We have lots of fun in class. I’ve a core group that come and most new students are fun too. Working with kids helps my creativity. Low aerial allows us to let go of the week and any stress and anxiety we’ve gathered. Foundations is fun, watching the spark get lit in new students. And Saturdays are mornings with dear people. We explore and try new things. Sometimes we do well and sometimes new things don’t work out quite as well. Every week we push the boundaries and rejoice at new frontiers.

And Little Bear is doing well. She is still anxious but there is trust. She has stopped running from me. Sometimes I get kisses. I always get a happy dance performance when I return home. When the leash comes out, she tries so hard to sit down like a good girl but she is so excited her butt doesn’t stop wiggling. We work on being carried, sitting together, coming when called and more.

Cuddler has accepted the new dog pretty well. I was told that an older female collie would not do well with another female. We’ve had our moments but they are buds. She has a friend to keep her company during the day and she teaches Little Bear how to deal with new things like the mailwoman.

Physically, I don’t feel well but, less tangibly, I am content and winding up to change. Change now.

The past has taught me that I change when I feel so uncomfortable my skin feels the wrong size like Eustace in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader. The time will come when I will pull off the scales and be born anew. Maybe the new person is a marathon runner. Or maybe I’ll become an interior designer. Maybe I’ll finally figure out which masters program I want to apply to. Whoever that person is she will be wonderful.

Sometimes Breaks are Necessary

I needed a break. Maybe not a yearlong break but definitely a break.

When I came home on Aug 26^th, I discovered my husband passed away. He had succumbed to his disease of addiction and overdosed. It looked like a very peaceful death and he was being snuggled by the dog when I came home.

How did I make it through? I haven’t. But I keep going one step at a time surrounded by friends and family. It’s not the path I expected but a different path. One that I’m growing to love. When I first started my own recovery, during my second meeting, we read this:

From Survival to Recovery (p269)

If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of The Twelve Steps and work the program, our lives will be transformed. Members work their program by being willing to attend meetings on a regular basis, reading Al-Anon/Alateen literature, getting a sponsor, working toward applying the 12 Steps of recovery to their lives and by becoming involved in Al-Anon Service work as they begin to recover.

We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are both, worthy of love and loving. We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new hidden talents. Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others. We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but will not be slaves to them. Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame.
8. As we gain the ability to forgive our families, the world, and ourselves our choices will expand. With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows. Serenity and peace will have meaning for us, as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with G-ds ease, balance, and grace. No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in lifes paradox, mystery, and awe. We will laugh more. Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. 

Can we really grow to such proportions? Only if we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness. Then we suddenly begin to notice these gifts appearing. We see them in those who walk beside us. Sometimes slowly or haltingly, occasionally in great bursts of brilliance, those who work The Steps change and grow toward light, toward health, and toward their Higher Power. Watching others, we realize this is also possible for us.

Will we ever arrive? Feel joyful all the time? Have no cruelty, tragedy, or injustice to face? Probably not, but we will acquire growing acceptance of our human fallibility, as well as greater love and tolerance for each other. Self-pity, resentment, martyrdom, rage, and depression will fade into memory. Community rather than loneliness will define our lives. We will know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute, and that is enough.

What has this past year held? I took time to myself. Jobs were changed. More time at the yoga studio and more time in the air. I’ve taken up lyra (aerial hoop). Running has taken a back seat to life. It’s hard to figure out what comes next. First things first, but what is first? In fall, I did a few runs. In May, I ran a half in Door County. I have already made bookings for next year and now wait for registration to open. For our one year wedding anniversary, I decided to get out of town. Way out of town. Port Angeles, WA out of town. We had taken our first big vacation on the Olympic Peninsula, so it felt fitting to run a half out there. I visited some places we had gone together and made some new discoveries. In the meantime, I was moving out of our old apartment and looking for a house. After a month with a friend, I finally closed on a wonderful house, centrally located between work and friends and family and fun. With a huge yard. Fenced in. Cuddler had been a little lonely after my husband’s death, so I had begun the hunt for another dog.

last video. Working on #airpow #aerialfitness #aerialnation #aerialhammock #aerialsling #archer #aerialyoga hi @jainaquick

A post shared by Mary Baker (@faithenfire) on Aug 12, 2017 at 1:46pm PDT

Little Bear is a recovering feral. She is 2.5 years old lab mix. She made great strides in the first few weeks. I don’t need a drag leash for her but we are working on her not dodging me. She alternates between a scared dog and wiggly lab. Noodles, and chicken hold great interest for her.

We all went camping with a bunch of friends. Everyone did fantastic. Cuddler reverted to her country upbringing and embraced the dirt. Little Bear accepted the situation. We hiked, we ran, we slept in a tent. Little Bear got a night light. She is afraid of the dark and felt very comforted that her LED light lit up the whole tent.

On the anniversary of my husband’s death, I ran a 5k. It was hosted by a family supporting their loved one’s recovery. It was a great example of how addiction is a family disease and how we all need help. It felt great to run with a purpose. Props to the cop who ran with 26lbs of chains to symbolize addiction.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about what my new life should look like. So I plan on going back to school online in fall to get my masters. Also, I’ve had little motivation for my running. It felt purposeless. New goal was needed. I’m not a fast runner. I am a stubborn runner. This past Monday I started running for a marathon.

That’s what I’ve been up to. It’s amazing how in a moment your whole life can change. Change facilitates growth.

Lazy girl

Yup that's me. I've run here and there but not much and not long.

I've been camping and it was awfully nice. I did a nice walk through a path surrounded by prairie grass and flowers.


One of the ways I started running was with my dog. It was very motivating to try and make a border collie tired.

It's something I recommend since the dogs still need a run or at least get outside.

Runner's World did an article about what dog breeds are good running partners
You can find that here

They also did an article about running with shelter dogs. Many shelters take part in programs that allow you to take their dogs for exercise. Check the article out here.

So that's it. Just checking in with you all.

Instead of running, I made friends with a cat that friends found on their way up to the campsite. Cigar is now staying with them. Not for lack of my desire to get the dog an adorable kitten.

Falling Back into a Habit

I’m glowing

Yoga last night was so chill and fun. Girls Hanging Out. Maybe that’s what my class should actually be called. Indie music, getting things off our chest and sharing the joy. All while doing low aerial yoga. We focused some on the middle of the back and neck. Class flew by. I felt so peaceful afterward. I can’t be more grateful to have this outlet and such great people to help in their yoga practice.

And I ran this morning. Part of me was trying to make excuses. It had been a while and I was out of the habit. Once you are out of the habit of running at 4am, it’s really hard to convince yourself that it’s a good idea again. I took out my new Brooks for a test drive. I should have worn another layer on my legs. I’m still a little chilled on my thighs.

The dog was very excited to be out and running. She bounded from snowbanks to roads, looking back at me with a big smile on her face. I was criticized earlier this week about subjecting my dog to the stresses of running. This person obviously never owned a border collie mix. There was no subjecting here, she was loving every second of this..

My finish at the 5k convinced me to push a little harder. If I could run that fast for a 5k, what was another mile? I turned it up a notch. I ran to the beats of LMAFO and other fun party music. I needed music with energy to carry me thru. There was no Gu involved; this was a fasted run. Runkeeper kept telling me my pace was in the 13:00 range. I pushed a little harder. Then, 8:00. I had no idea how fast I was going. Taking out the first mile with all the potty breaks for the dog, my pace was 11:30. My shoes felt great. At first, they felt strange but by the end of the run, I could appreciate the extra cushion.

The streets were empty. The air felt nearly warm after the below zero temps. The wind was minimal. It was definitely cold. I put my hands in my shirt’s mittens. I felt the air cut thru my fleece running leggings. There was a sense of peace even though the music was energetic. The breath came a little harder but I didn’t fight it. My legs were tired after we turned around and my brain asked for Gu and then whined that I didn’t have any. But my mind, my mind was ecstatic. I had been missing my outdoor runs. The treadmill is a great tool but it cannot replace an early morning run. It can’t replace the camaraderie of the early birds.

A cop passed me on the road. I was wondering if I was going to get a ticket for not being on the sidewalk. But we are a bit of a running community and I think there is an understanding so long as we don’t impede traffic, and I usually only run on the road when I’m on a side street. I pictured him pulling over and calling to me as I approached. In my head, I wondered if it would be bad form to pause my Garmin and Runkeeper. He passed and I was left with alone with my dog.

It’s funny. I had no idea I was missing the morning runs as much as I was until I did it. When I went out, I felt at home and at peace in a way I don’t anywhere else, not even in the hammock during yoga. I hope that the weather cooperates and stays above zero and I can keep doing my outside runs.

A Happy Run

This week you get to read a lot of my thoughts, apparently

Aerial yoga last night was very restorative. On the drive in, my back started seizing so I decided to wring us out in class. My one regular was missed but we survived. An original student came and visited us. We all agreed a nice, extra restorative class would be perfect. We spent time on twists, extensions and inversions. We added a few intensive moves just to keep the blood flowing. I think we all felt very relaxed after class and a little less achy. It seems like the cold weather can lead to stiff joints and muscles. A good restorative class can help regain some of that mobility. I want to also mention that yoga isn’t just about backbends and splits. Those are nice things but I certainly don’t have my splits and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do the wheel or wild thing asanas. It’s about meeting yourself on the mat and looking inward and focusing on your practice of pose, breath and meditation. In many ways, it’s like running where you focus on posture/form, breath, and mental games. Maybe that’s why I love both these things so much.

So, I ran again this morning. I had gotten around to accepting road conditions and figured it was time to get back on track. I was slow to get out of bed and get dressed. I maybe should get back to sleeping in my running clothes. Makes getting up and running much easier when I don’t need to change clothes at 4am.

I had been hoping for some snow. It was in the forecast, but there were only a few stray snowflakes. It was a nice forecast overall with mid 30’s and light wind. In retrospect, I would have left my jacket at home. I was plenty warm with my fleece shirt and leggings. I donned all my reflective gear and my led hat. This hat has been very useful in seeing all the ice in the morning.

When I first started I had a few “I don’t wanna” thoughts, but then I told myself we are going to have some fun. And I did. I sprinted, I walked, I pushed my pace, I ran at my normal speed, all in the hopes to enjoy myself and to increase my pace overall. I have a 5k next week and I’m a distance sorta girl. I don’t feel warmed up till mile 3. I’m hoping this will help me get ready for the short race.

Mental games tried to sneak in but I manipulated myself into a full 6.4 miles. It would have been 6.5ish but I took a wrong turn and missed my normal road. I told myself first that I’d just do 4 miles, and then 5, and then 6, and why I don’t I just do the full run. By the time I turned around, I was enjoying myself. I can’t speak for the dog though. She seemed tired, running next to me rather than in front. She barely needed any shushing as we waited for another dog to go by on the other side of the street. Fiancé mentioned that she is getting older. Being six, I wonder how much longer she’ll be keeping up with me.

I’m glad to be back enjoying runs. I had to learn to adapt and not have expectations. I beat my mind at its own game. I stretched my limits. I’m still nervous about next Saturday. But that’s ok. Adrenaline is good for speed. J 

Falling in Love All Over Again

I fell in love with running all over again this morning. The past few runs I’ve not enjoyed much. They have been hard and slow and while it gave me a sense of accomplishment and reaffirmed my determination; I wasn’t enjoying myself much.

Even this morning, I was tired. I’m still flaring but feeling a little better. Getting up this morning was tough. There was lots of inner whining. Getting ready, I felt like all thumbs. Today, I thought I would try pairing my heart monitor to my Garmin again. It was an immediate success. More thumbs as I gathered up my reflective gear.

The dog was rather uncooperative this morning, running slowly directly in front of me. She also has not gotten the hang of the ice. We have more ice in the forecast tomorrow. I don’t like the idea of running on a treadmill but these super icy conditions might require it. Outside just feels so peaceful, especially in the mornings when so few people are up. It’s so still. It’s just me, the dog, and the road in front of us.

I ran with the intention of pushing myself with a little speed work. Run quickly between ice patches. I think it might be best described as a fartlek day. What is a fartlek? It’s a Swedish word meaning speed play. It’s an unstructured workout like running and then increasing your speed up a hill, or to the next telephone pole. There are fartlek workouts that are much more “organized” but it seems to me that it defeats the purpose.

And that’s where I fell in love. It was fun. I got to run hard and take it easy. I got to work around the ice rather than it be a detriment to my intent. I didn’t have the fastest work out. But I feel like this will help my overall pace. I have a hard time with short distances. I don’t feel like I warm up until after the 5k. My time didn’t really reflect how hard I worked, and neither did my Garmin or Runkeeper. But it allowed me to work with my conditions rather than be frustrated with them. It’s freedom.

Short post but I was just so happy to love running again, I wanted to share.

Leaving Footprints in the Snow

And the storm rolled in covering the ground in a heavy snow, perfect to build a snowman but awful to shovel.

I was very excited to get up and run. We have only had one other snow and it was great run. It was peaceful and I got cheered on by cops and plowers. This run was not that. Since it was a work day, everyone was up early and clearing their driveways. The sound of snowblowers echoed thru the early morning air.

Getting ready was interesting because I had to plan for the wet but balance that with mild 30’s. I wore fleece leggings, tall socks (from Christmas), a light shirt and light jacket, my hat with lights (from Christmas), buff (from Christmas), reflective vest (from Christmas), and headband. And of course, I brought my phone and headphones because music is motivating, especially the Lady Sovereign or HyperCrush IHeart stations.

With all the snow, I figured street running would be the way to go. Last winter, I discovered that many of my neighbors are not good about cleaning their sidewalks. It was generally a good idea except for the roads that weren’t touched by a plow. I ended up running in the narrow tracks of tires, hurdling sometimes thigh high piles of snow left by plows going the on other streets. The dog loved the snow; snow blowers, less so.

It felt like I was running through deep sand. My legs tired quickly as I had to high step much of the run and manage to stay in a narrow tire track which is much harder than it sounds. I did manage to stay upright for the whole run. I cut my run short since I knew that I was slow today. The snow slowed me down and I only got in 5.37 miles.

I had used Gu because I figured I could use the extra boost for this run. Iheart decided to quit just a ½ mile in but I didn’t want to stop and futz with the phone. I just prayed that Runkeeper kept going. And it did. Sometimes, the pace announcements were rather depressing (snowbound) but other times it was very encouraging (clear roads). I’m not sure what sort of running exercise this might be considered but I know my legs are stronger because of this run.

While it wasn’t the same feeling as my last snow run, I had a different feelings. Determination, persistence comes to mind. There was some serenity as I listened to my breath, watching clouds form in front of me. 

Waiting for the Dark and Stormy Run

And we’re back! Holidays are over and it’s time to get you all an update.

Wednesday was nice. Aerial yoga is great to get centered when you feel stretched in too many directions. I imagine this is true for any yoga. The regulars were there and we had a visitor from the Thursday class as it was cancelled due to the holidays. We worked on heart openers. We also aired grievances getting things off our chest. Heart openers are great for those of us who are at desks and are hunched over for the better part of the day. The chest gets stretched, as well as the shoulders and quads. I felt much more prepared for the holidays after class.

Thursday I went for a run. I had the day off and planned on doing ALL my Christmas shopping afterwards. The winds were rotten. It didn’t seem to matter which way I ran, I just got buffeted by the winds. The Hank Aaron Trail is a nice place to run. It’s never been very busy on days I run it. South Eastern Wisconsin has some very nice trails and eventually I need to explore them. Some of them even have beer gardens nearby for the beer drinkers. The dog stayed home for this run as I didn't want to leave her in the car while I poked around for the perfect Christmas gifts. Maybe I need her for motivation. It was just a suck run. I tried to be positive by reminding myself that I’ve come far and how great I was doing despite the wind. I did feel pretty awesome and accomplished afterward but it was a hard one 5.67 miles.

Christmas was a great win for me. Yes, Christmas is more than presents and food but I had some wonderful food and received some much needed and wanted running stuffs. I got a slightly heavier running jacket and a nice puffer vest, a runner world cookbook, glowing shoelaces, buff, running tank, a new running belt, some nice tall running socks, earbuds that hook on my ears so they won’t slide out and are waterproof, reflective vest, and a hat with lights on the brim. I think there was more but they are escaping me at the moment. I also received a harry potter cookbook which I’m excited about. I feel ready for some good runs.

Saturday I ran 13.17 miles. I felt good. With all the stress of the holidays, running soothes me. My anxiety is always high this time of year and that leads to flares from the autoimmune. There were some hard parts as there usually is, but the running itself felt right. 

And I should have known better. Whenever it feels easy, I’m going slow. And I was. I was 15 min slower than my last thirteen miles. I also had a couple of phone calls which put me off my pace. Despite this, I enjoyed the run. There were a few hills that were a pain but I went back to the route I did last week only added a run on the Hank Aaron. The scenery is nice. And when you are running long distances, I find good music and good scenery makes it all so much more gratifying. The dog was less than thrilled about the run, but she got in her groove around mile 6. I took my blueberry pomegranate Gu with me and that sat easy. Two packs seem about right for a recreational run. I got to take my new headphones and running belt with me. I appreciated the water I could now carry hands free a lot, though I did need to pee by the time I got back home. The headphones stayed put and let enough ambient sound come thru that I could have both in.

A storm is rolling in today. People came into work early today in hopes of getting home early. The snow is starting to stick to the ground. We have a storm warning for snow and ice. The roads are supposed to be treacherous. Then there is me. I am watching the snow come down and praying for more snow than ice. I’m hoping that the snow continues to fall into the morning. I’m hoping to be able to use some of my new clothes and gear. I’m hoping for good traction tomorrow. I can’t wait for the morning!

Half Marathons for Fun. No, Seriously.

I have only a single run to talk about today. One lonely 13 miler. I was hoping to have at least another 6.5 miler and maybe even a 3 miler, but I was struck down. Struck down by a stomach bug. I’ve run with head colds, mild chest colds, autoimmune flares but the stomach bug got me. I figured the jiggling wasn’t helpful to the nausea.

The good news is that I managed to get in thirteen miles before being knocked on my butt. They were a hard won thirteen miles. I did also take 5 min off my previous time. It was also my longest distance by a .01 mile or so. I had no thoughts of trying to keep going for a mile 14.

We slept in until five. It seemed late and early all at once. The dog was very excited to go out and there was lots of huffing while I decided which layers to wear. My phone told me it as 21 degrees out. Cold. Donned in compression pants, fleece leggings, fleece hoodie, fleece ½ zip, and light jacket, I grabbed my headband and music and leash, and headed out. My feet were a little sore starting out so I went with my trail shoes for added support.

Warming up was tiring. The wind buffeted me as I headed south. I just reminded me that this might just give me a tailwind on the way back. The first two miles were slow. Those are the argument phase miles. Why am I up? I’m crazy, right? When is this supposed to be fun? You know, you could be sleeping now. Maybe that’s why I like going the longer distances. Maybe that’s why a 5k seems too short. I would only have a mile, mile and a half to enjoy it. I need to run thru a 5k to hit something close to enjoyment.

I didn’t really scout my route and it was dark so I didn’t want to go the same route I did with the 10 miler from the previous weekend. I paused a few times to check the map and make sure I was going in the right direction. One road I was on, abruptly ended on a curve. I wasn’t sure if I was facing west or north, or someplace inbetween. These occasions led to “screw it” moments and I headed off in the direction I hoped was north-and was. I was pushing myself for this run. I wanted better than my last 13 miles.

The sense of adventure, running in only somewhat known territory, distracted me from my legs. They felt tired this whole run. I did not get much reprieve. And yet, I was ok with it. There was no panic. There was no fear or desire to call the fiancé to pick me up from I don’t know where. I had an acceptance of the discomfort. I surrendered to it. I am a runner and suck is part of it.

Part of the reason I run early is for the sunrise. It feels very special to see it come up, empowering. 

This sunrise did not disappoint either.

This whole run was rough but I enjoyed it. The dog did too for the most part. I think a few parts she wished she could be off leash. My time was improved from my first run. The weather was nice, though my water bottle started to freeze. The GU sat well, and I could feel it pick me up at the 4.5 mile marks. Despite doing a little trailblazing, I saw some nice parts of where I live and after looking at the map, I found where I can continue  with more trail and scenery.

This girl can run half marathons. Who knew?

Sunday was a different matter. Sunday I woke up with a nasty bug with body aches and firey skin. And I can live with that but it settled in my stomach. While I never barfed, it was close. Monday I was sick too, staying home from work, but made myself feel better by signing up for a race in my hometown. It’s a flat 5k consisting of two loops around the Fox River Parkway. Later in the morning, my friend will be doing ice carving for the yoga studio. It should be a fun day. I’m a little nervous as I am usually so slow in the beginning. I just need to remember that this is supposed to be fun and I’m still a newbie. Today, still no run. Probably, no run tomorrow either, but hopefully, some aerial yoga.

Dog kept me company on the couch yesterday

Suck It Up, Buttercup

I don’t wanna. That was how I was feeling about everything these past few days.

Seemed an appropriate shirt for my attitude

Around noon, no one had signed up for my aerial yoga and I was daydreaming about how I would spend my free Wednesday night. And then it happened. The lone person signed up right before I was leaving my full time job. I’ve found frequently when “I don’t wanna” the classes are end up to be rewarding. It was also a regular so there is amount of relief that if I’m off, it won’t be the first impression the student has.

The dog came with me. Normally, she goes with my fiancé to a friend’s house and plays with all the other dogs, but he had something to do first. I do like bringing her along. It’s a good way for her to learn manners with other people. She has bad manners, like barking for attention and jumping up to say hi. And she is a collie/border collie so that requires us herding us while we practice. My regulars know about her and know she may make unexpected appearances. The health center connected to the studio often have canine visitors as well. Overall, it’s a very dog friendly yoga/health community.

When I messaged the regular about the dog, she mentioned she had a really bad headache. The benefits of hydration, caffeine, and peppermint oil were bandied about. I also thought what a perfect time to try some yoga healing. After a little research, I found asanas that were repeated from website to website. I put together a general sequence of progression of pose expressions. I wanted to be gentle rather than throw ourselves into a pose. Which is my habit and her habit too.

The dog and I arrived at the studio and started to set up. I turned down the lights (which I find so much more relaxing for an evening yoga practice) and chose the Peaceful Sleeping IHeart channel. When my friend/regular showed up, we chatted about her headache and possible causes. I told her how to deal with the dog who is a kisser and a hugger and we began.

Who could deny this face?

We talked, we stretched, we checked in with our bodies to make sure we did no harm. The dog soon laid to the side and watched over us. The class focused on the places where our bodies like to store our stress: necks, shoulders/back, and hips. While yoga may or may not be able to cure chronic headaches, it can help alleviate. It can take away tension in the body. It can relax the body and mind and soul, allowing the headache to just be the headache and nothing more than any other pain in the body.

My view at the end of class. Savasana

Collies must make sure everything is OK. Floating is still questionable in her books.

In an aside, personally, I find this knowledge comforting. With my myalgia, I recognize that my pain is real but an overreaction to pain stimulus. So while I may want to cry while holding a standing pose in the fabrics or in coffin, I suck it up. It reminds me of a trigger point massage I got last year. It felt questionable when I got it, felt terrible the next day, and felt wonderful the day after that. Delayed gratification.

And talking about suck it up, this morning’s run. I knew I was tired last night. I tried going to bed early but somehow it always ended up after ten. Four am was coming way too fast. When my alarm went off, I snoozed it and argued and rationalized with myself. But I had my secret weapon. I slept in my running clothes. All I had to do was put on my shoes. And headphones. And reflective bands. And put a leash on the dog. And find my running belt. And track down my headband that always ends up at the bottom of the bin. But all of that is still easier than fighting with compression pants and sports bras when you’ve just woken up.

It wasn’t nearly as cold as I thought it would be but I wished I had my gloves to start. I have yet to keep my gloves on for a full run. We took down the same route as I did Tuesday. I wanted to compare my performance between the fasted run and the GU run. And I knew from the start, this was not going well. My legs were heavy, my breath labored and all before mile 2. My mind kept telling me to all it, but the other part told me, “suck it up, buttercup. Put on your big girl leggings and run.” And I did. I pushed thru the discomfort. I ran till my legs loosened up. Maybe that’s when the half packet of GU kicked in.

It wasn’t an easy run. My legs did not float like Tuesday. I had no runner’s high. I just had pure determination. And confidence that I did this Tuesday and I run twice this on weekends. I can do it. I will do it. With renewed energy, I fought my way to the midpoint and at the other half of GU. The dog was less than keen this morning on the run even though she was my cheerleader out the door.

The middle was good. I kept hearing my average pace go down. I heard consistent sub 12:00 min times which gave me hope that Runkeeper wasn’t lying this morning. I scared a man walking to his bus stop. I can’t imagine I’m quiet between the dog tags, my tired feet hitting the pavement and my heavy breathing, but apparently I was. I called ahead, “on your right” and he jumped to the grass with a big “OH” and as he gathered himself, “Good morning.” We’ve passed him before. Maybe he will remember us next week.

Last two miles were rotten. I had used up my positive thinking and all I could think about was keeping my legs going and keeping my pace down. I didn’t want another slow day like Tuesday. I wanted to go faster. I wanted to beat PB’s and be happy about it.

And that’s when the odd thing happened. My phone as I pulled into my driveway, never announced the 6.5 miles. According to Runkeeper, I only ran 6.48 miles! The good news is that my pace was better than Tuesday. No PB but much better. The bad news is the same route showed .08 miles less. I had heard that gps has an error rate but this was the first time I experienced it. Also, good news is GU seems to help.

 Headache hair. Don't care.

Overall, it was a good run. I ran thru my exhaustion. I ran thru my headache. I ran thru a bad run and got a pretty decent time out of it all considered. I’ll keep with my “suck it up, buttercup” attitude. I find at worst, I feel bad which I already did, and at best, I do things I can be proud about, like helping a friend with her pain, or run 7 miles before work.